Under Stress We Have A Primitive Brain

There are distinctive styles of our stressed primitive or reptilian brain. What style do you use? Lynn Lott’s “Top Card” activity provides insight.

Ask Yourself:

If UPS had four packages for you and you could turn away one, which one would it be? If you never have to deal with one of these again, which would you choose? None of these are desirable but which is the worst?

• Meaningless and unimportance
• Criticism and ridicule
• Rejection and hassles
• Stress and pain

If you chose:

Meaningless and unimportance = Superiority Top Card

Criticism and ridicule = Control Top Card

Rejection and hassles = Pleasing Top Card

Stress and pain = Comfort Top Card

What does “Top Card” mean? In many card games, when you don’t like the hand that is dealt you, you reach for the top card in the deck.  So, when life is giving you a difficult hand, we call the style you reach for is called your “Top Card.” It isn’t who you are, it is who you are under stress.  We all need superiority, control, pleasing, and comfort in our life but when we are using our primitive or reptilian brain instead our rational brain.

 

Superiority (Eagle)

 

 

 

Assets:                                                                          

• Effective Problem-Solvers
• Efficient, Organized
• High Work Ethic
• Tunnel Vision
• Social Interest

Liabilities

• Takes on too much
• Feelings of inadequacy
• Difficulty accepting other’s ideas
• Intimidation
• Letting Go
• Low Frustration Threshold

At Your Best:

• Idealistic and care about others
• Productive and knowledgeable
• Receive a lot of awards (or degrees and licenses).
• Don’t wait for others to tell you what to do.
• Creative
• Clear about what is important
• Appear to have a lot of self-confidence

When you are too stressed:

• Take on too much and become overwhelmed/overburdened
• Know it all and like to be right
• Look for blame instead of taking responsibility
• Do it all yourself instead of delegating
• Critical of self and others
• Seem arrogant to others when too busy to notice them.
• Invite others to feel inadequate and insignificant

Unintended Consequence: Invite others to feel inferior

How others can help when you are stressed:

• Tell you, “You are right”
• Recognize all you do
• Let you know how significant you are

Things to work on:

• Stop looking for blame and start working on solutions.
• Give credit where credit is due, including to yourself.
• Look at what you have instead of what you don’t have.
• Show and interest in others and be curious about them.
• Create balance in your life by walking, exercising, or eating something healthy.

Control (Lion, King of the Jungle)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Assets

• Dependable, Punctual
• Help (Even if Not Wanted)
• Good Manager
• Persistent
• Patient
• Organized
• Trouble Shooter

Liabilities

• Nag
• Bossy
• Unaware of Other’s Needs
• Obsessive/Compulsive

At Your Best:

• Organized and get tasks done quickly
• Good leader and crises manager
• Coordinate activities
• Persistent and can wait patiently
• Take charge and bring order to chaos
• Loyal and helpful
• Objective, logical
• Law obeying

When you are stressed:

Lack spontaneity

• Create social and emotional distance
• Hide your weaknesses
• Get defensive instead of remaining open
• Avoid dealing with issues when you feel criticized
• Sometimes wait for permission
• Critical and faultfinding
• Invites power struggles, rebellion, passivity

Unintended Consequence: Invite others to feel lack of control

Things to work on:

• Remind yourself that you are not responsible for others
• Stop trying to prevent problems
• Stop and listen to others instead of withdrawing
• Think about what you want and ask for it
• Listen instead of getting defense
• Delegate

How others can help when you are stressed:

• Appreciate/compliment your leadership
• Let you be in charge
• Give you choices, ask how you feel
• Give you time to sort out your feelings

Pleasing (Chameleon)

Assets

• Kind, Friendly
• Nurturing
• Positive Thinker
• Productive
• Dependable

 

Liabilities

• Feel Inferior
• Neglect Self
• Compromiser
• Avoid Confrontation,
• Feel Overwhelmed
• Passive aggressive

At Your Best:

• Friendly and have lots of friends
• Considerate and sensitive to the feelings of others
• Show genuine interest in others
• Adaptable and willing to compromise
• A good listener and empathetic
• Really care about others
• Optimistic and usually see the positive in others
• Volunteer and people count on you

When you are too stressed:

• Too apologetic
• Have difficulty taking a stand
• Don’t bother to ask others what pleases them and then feel resentful when they aren’t pleased
• Don’t say what you want, and then easily hurt
• Say yes when you want to say no
• Invites others to feel annoyed and guilty – and then resentful

Unintended consequence: you please everyone but yourself

Things to work on:

• Be more honest and say what you are thinking and feeling.
• Say no and mean it.
• Let others have their feelings and let their behavior be about them and not you.
• Spend time alone and give up trying to please everyone.
• Recognize your feelings
• Set goals

How others can help:

• Accept your No’s,
• Listen don’t push

Comfort (Turtle)

Assets

• Spontaneous
• Socially inclined
• Meet individual needs
• Easy going
• Great Host/Hostess make others
• Good sense of humor

 

Liabilities:

• Always Late
• Easily sidetracked
• Your personal comfort can come before others needs
• Easily bored
• Test limits
• Take risks

Invites From Others:

• Frustration
• To take control

Things to work on:

• Create a routine for yourself.
• Break things down into small achievable goals
• Show up and stick around, even if all you do is watch.
• Speak up, ask questions, or say what you want.
• Tell others how you are feeling.
• Not letting others do too much for you

Unintended Consequence: others comfort is sacrificed for yours 

How others can help when you are stressed:

• Don’t take over for you
• Give you lots of encouragement
• Let you go at your own pace until you feel comfortable
• Not interrupting
• Inviting your comments
• Listening quietly
• Show faith in you

What you long for:

• For things to be as easy as they look
• To be left alone and have your own space
• You don’t want to argue

Understanding yourself and others is a key to avoiding conflict and poor relationships in difficult times.  You don’t need to take behavior personally if you understand “Top Card.”

CAMILLE CURTIS FOSTER LCSW

Based on the work of Alfred Adler, developed by Lynn Lott, a Positive Discipline Program Activity

Photo by Ludvig Hedenborg from Pexels

Photo by Margaret French from Pexels