My Unfortunate Cherry Tree
Worthless, puny and scrawny were the words best describing my 20-year-old cherry tree. Despite the passage of time, the tree never grew. Before chopping it down, I asked a gardener, “Why isn’t the tree thriving?” He carefully looked it over and said, “This tree trunk is knocked once a week when the lawn is mowed. The lawn mower blades cut too close to trunk and have left scars. You need a protective boundary between the tree and the blades on the lawn mover.”
Protection from Harm
To establish a safe perimeter, I sprayed a large circle of “Round Up” killing all grass within a foot of the tree. I maintained the regiment for several years so the lawn mover never came close to the trunk.
With the trunk no longer dinged weekly; the tree’s growth took off. Now my tree is thriving beautifully. Each spring I get compliments on the shower of vibrant cherry blossoms it displays.
Childhood Wounds
Often I work with clients who have felt life’s scars on their trunk. The most critical stages for boundary growth take place during the early years of childhood. A child is harmed by:
- physical/emotional abuse
- childhood “parentification*
- neglect
As a result of boundary violations some clients never learn how to construct a safety perimeter. But mental and physical boundaries can be taught and clients can thrive too.
Healthy Boundaries
People with good boundaries understand what they are and are not responsible for; they respond to others but are responsible for themselves. Being responsible for your self means you own your attitudes, feelings and behaviors. You may respond to the inappropriate behavior of others but you aren’t responsible. You recognize you are not helping others when you allow misbehavior, which threatens your safety and confidence.
Consequences of Ineffective Borders
With poor internal control, you may show excess in:
- Eating
- Money
- Time
- Task completion
- The tongue
- Sexuality
- Substance abuse
Learning internal boundaries is not easy but worth it. Reinforcing boundaries increases our self-trust and in turn trust of others.
Good boundaries Keep You Safe
Forrest fire fighters establish a safety perimeter to contain the outer edge of the fire. These professionals recognize it is imperative to hold the fire line, or boundary to keep workers safe. As a firefighter states,
Just as I consistently maintain protection of my cherry tree ‘s perimeter and firefighters maintain a safety line; personal boundaries are a continual process. It is worth the effort because good boundaries ensure safety, self-esteem and growth.
CAMILLE FOSTER LCSW
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*Parentification” is a term used to describe a child who was given adult or parent responsibility for they are developmentally prepared.
Sources:
Cloud, H. PhD, & Townsend, J. PhD. (1992). Boundaries: When to say yes when to say no to take Control of Your Life. Orange, CA: Yates & Yates, LLP.
Whitfield, C. L. M.D. (1993). Boundaries and relationships: Knowing, protecting and Enjoying the Self, MD: Health Communications, Inc.
Good TED talk on self-esteem: “What if there is nothing wrong with you?” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gF5XztmijhQ
