How To Fight Fair With Unfair People

From difficult relatives to unreasonable bosses, we all encounter difficult people we have to negotiate with in life. 

Using the tips from Elizabeth Brown’s book, Living Successfully With Screwed-Up People, I recommended the following objective: 

 Center on the goal of healthy resolution; don’t give into a dogfight.

Example:

Jimmy Carter’s wife, Rosalynn, was interviewed on the Phil Donahue television show.  Donahue was famous for his direct no nonsense interviewing style—he like to make people squirm because it was good television.  Donahue grilled Rosalynn about 5 minutes for a decision her husband supported.  Donahue waxed eloquently on and on in a philosophical debate against Carter’s decision.  When he was finished he looked Rosalynn directly in the eye and asked, “Now, what do you think?”

Rosalynn looked at him brightly and said, “I don’t have any idea what you are talking about.  I just know Jimmy always tries to do the right thing.”  The audience burst our laughing and Donahue was speechless.  Rosalynn ended the debate in that moment because she refused to get into a dogfight with Donahue.

4 Helpful Strategies 

1.    Visualize the worst possible scenario and then decide how you will deal with it.

2.    Desensitize yourself by saying out loud what the other person would likely say.  Think through what may happen so you can defuse the power of the harmful words or actions.

3.    Detach from the power of their words and keep on topic as Rosalynn illustrated.  Detachment is an aerial view; it keeps you objective.  Ask yourself, “How would a stranger viewing this conversation respond?”  Use phrases like “I can see you are really upset over this BUT and then pivot the conversation back to healthy resolution.  Don’t become trapped in their emotion.

4.    Practice what you intend to say until you can say it without sarcasm or anger.  Practice being in control and not controlled by the other person. 

Key Responses:

·     I am sorry you do not understand my point, let me state it again.

·     You agreed to hear me out.

·     There must be a problem, or I wouldn’t be here and you wouldn’t be so defensive.                

·   I care, or I wouldn’t talk to you about this.

·     I know you are a caring person, and I am sure your goal is the same as mine, to support each other.

·     Please let’s keep to topic.

·     I am not ok with you talking to me that way.

·     I don’t accept the way you have labeled my behavior.

·     Let me state this again, because I do not believe you heard me.

·     Why are you responding with rage?

Very Important:

Saying, “I care about you, and “I am sorry” keeps differences from becoming irreconcilable.  If it is a family member, begin and end the conversation with “I love you.”  

Practice listening for understanding

Echoing back what you hear is important for these reasons:

•      You show you are listening.    
•   Your perceived respect will open the door for you to express your thoughts—-maybe.
•    Misinterpreted statements can be corrected.
•    Options may be explored.
•    It keeps blame games from occurring.
•    Listening and echoing encourages compromise.
•    It keeps down the friction and wall-building.  

It would be great if no one in family, work or neighborhood were difficult but that is just not possible. Often people have different agendas, see the world differently than us, or they don’t want to share power because they are cold-hearted and unfair.  

A friend of mine was set up on national TV by the show’s host for the sake of dramatic TV ratings.  She had a hint the show was headed in an unflattering direction a few minutes before show time.  She called me in distress wanting help.  

She and I went over her strategy using these tools. My friend confidently marched into the studio. Unfortunately, the theatrical script of the show was already written and the direction was pre-determined. Her reasonable responses were cut and edited in an unflattering manner to all involved. But she maintained emotional composure and left with her dignity.  

Because the stakes are high, and lack of character, some people are determined to fight dirty. The game is rigged and we can’t come out ahead. But most of the time, using these strategies, it is possible to fight successfully with difficult people. If you don’t find common ground at least you have maintain your integrity and self-esteem. 

CAMILLE CURTIS FOSTER LCSW

 

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