“I believe that appreciation is a holy thing and when we look for what’s best in a person we happen to be with, at the moment, we’re doing what God does all the time. So, in loving and appreciating our neighbor we’re participating in something sacred.” Fred Rogers
How do we show appreciation to our neighbors? Our partners? Our children?
The opposite of appreciation is criticism. Can you remember a criticism that hurt you as a child? It is amazing how often people can recall word for word unthinking person spoke to them years ago. The same emotions and hurt often quickly bubble up when you are reminded of a hurtful experience. Adults are often the most defensive and easily hurt over old wounds.
Now, try to think of a memory of a compliment or words of praise offered to you.
Likely the compliment was about you doing something well that was very important to you and someone noticed. When I was 8 years old, my 2nd grade teacher, Mrs. Kenning told me she thought I would be a writer when I grew up. At the time, I marveled at her observation. Previously, I had never considered what it meant to be a writer. Through the years, I’ve pondered her words and faith in my abilities. For the last 50 plus years, I have never written anything without carefully crafting each word. Such is the power of a positive comment, it can be holy.
Was it easier to remember a negative memory than a positive one?
Experts say a healthy relationship has 5 positives to 1 negative comment. In my life and practice, I have found it is more like a 10-1 ratio, at least. Because of their potential impact, giving compliments is a vital skill in all relationships. Both the home and community thrive in a positive atmosphere. Professional leadership in adulthood often depends on the ability to recognize other’s strengths and give effective praise. Proverbs 16:24 says, Pleasant words are as honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and health to the bones.
The good news is that with a bit of intentional effort, your family or partnership can develop this life skill with rewards now and 50 years in the future. If you didn’t come from a family that valued praise you might be overwhelmed with expressing your emotions. You may wonder, what are the components of a meaningful compliment?
The best compliments focus on effort rather than results.
Here are a few examples. For a child:
- “You got an A, I am so proud of you,” (result).
- “This report card shows how hard you worked. You must be learning a lot.” (effort)
For a partner:
- “You look great since you lost that baby weight.” (result)
- “You are always working on improvement. I admire your diligence in doing hard things.” (effort)
A “result” focus isn’t healthily for relationships. Deep down we all crave to be loved for our intrinsic worth instead of our accomplishments. Accomplishments can be very temporary. If we belong only for our achievements, we will feel insecure. We can’t ever fail or be less than because it puts our belonging at risk.
A simple word for complimenting on appearance or results is flattery. Nothing is wrong with a few flattering remarks, we all like it. But flattery is like candy; it tastes good at first but is quickly gone and too much of it isn’t good for us. Flattery can also be seen as manipulative.
Here are some well-crafter compliments from the Dr. Nicole Lapera, The Holistic Psychologist. Try these if you want to see someone light up!
- Being in your presence just makes me feel good.
- You have so many inspiring ideas, I just love hearing them.
- You have a great sense of humor and I always feel good being around you.
- Your energy makes me feels so calm and relaxed, I appreciate that about you.
- I admire the way you see the world.
- I really appreciate how curious you are about things, it’s a great quality.
Another important component in relationships is gratitude. Gratitude gets you through the hard times. It is unusual to see a couple in marriage therapy who frequently spoke of their gratitude towards each other. Most distressed couples are quick to speak of all things they wish their spouse would change. With a focus on the negative, relationship enjoyment dramatically decreases, and harmful patterns emerge.
To help teach the skill of compliments or gratitude try this activity from Positive Discipline:
Family Compliment or Gratitude Activity:
- Place blank compliment sheets on the refrigerator (or another spot) where everyone can write down compliments for others each day. (Young children can dictate their compliments to older members of the family or draw pictures.)
- When you see someone that deserves a compliment, write it down, or ask a child who also observed something someone else did, “Would you like to write that on our compliment sheet?” Once children develop the habit of noticing compliments, they won’t need reminders.
- At the beginning of a weekly family meeting, family members can read their compliments.
- Ask for any verbal compliments that were not written down.
- Make sure every family member receives at least one compliment or appreciation.
- Place this compliment sheet in the family meeting binder and place another blank sheet on the refrigerator to be filled out during the week. Save your sheets, they will be an invaluable record your family will be proud of in years to come.
An alternative to this activity would be to give participants 3 X 5 cards, one for each family member. Have them leave them in on their pillow or other fun spots during the week. Notice if fighting and bickering goes down. When my parents had both passed and we cleaned out their home, we found gratitude and compliments all through the house. It was a touching remnant of their 56 years of marriage.
This is a picture of my granddaughter at school wearing a hat she designed. The assignment was to make a hat describing her hero. She chose me and said I was “funny and happy.” It’s one of my all time favorite compliments.
Compliments and gratitude bless both the give and receiver. Have you ever been down on yourself? Your thoughts are very self-centered and spiral downward. If you can speak to a positive trait of someone else, you will immediately feel better about yourself, and they will feel good too. It’s a powerful currency. When you give compliments or gratitude it’s like putting money in the relationship bank account. It always nice to have a positive balance when feelings get hurt. It’s magical or as Mr. Rogers would say, “in loving and appreciating our neighbors, we are participating in something sacred.”
Camille Curtis Foster LCSW
Note: A few years ago, I wanted to write Mrs. Kenning a note of appreciation. I googled her name and found her obituary. Sometimes the moment passes and we are too late to express our gratitude.
Another post on the topic of relationships:
You Matter to Me: Tips on Keeping Tenderness in Your Marriage
Additional Article: How to Give Compliments that aren’t about appearance:
https://www.thegoodtrade.com/features/best-compliments/
Sources:
Jane Nelson, Positive Discipline
