How To Respond When Someone Hurts Your Feelings

When someone hurts our feelings, it is hard to see beyond three choices:

Have an angry confrontation
Say nothing but get even
Say nothing and feel bad

Three examples:

Bill felt angry at recent actions from his neighborhood HOA board. He fired off an angry email to the president. The president became defensive and forwarded his letter to all other board members. As a result, the HOA saw Bill as unreasonable and his problem continued.
Marie, an overworked waitress, felt irritated at a difficult costumer’s demands. She remained sweet to the costumer’s face but spit in their food before bringing it to their table.
Sally felt bad when her friends left her out and then posted pictures on social media. She didn’t say anything to them but became sad and withdrawn causing her friends to think she was moody.

None of the above choices feel good. If you use angry words, YOU appear to have the problem. Hiding your feelings often leads to hiding your actions such as the waitress spitting in the rude costumer’s food behind their back. If you say nothing and don’t defend yourself, you can end up depressed

So how do you respond to hurtful people?

Dr. Herriot Lerner, best selling author of Dance Of Anger, understands the relationship tight rope. She cites research showing people take in very little information if they sense negative content. They either become defensive or tune out. So if you want to share negative feelings with someone use as few of words as possible and follow her simple formula.

6 Steps

Send a handwritten message in a card, no emails
Start with a positive
Focus on your own feelings not on the offender’s behavior
Speak your perspective or values with dignity and clarity
Invite further connection
Kept it short, don’t over talk

Katie wanted to let her mother in law know it wasn’t ok to show favoritism to her daughter over her son. She picked out a pleasant Hallmark card and wrote 5 sentences. Katie wrote:

1. “Thank you for all the thoughtful gifts you’ve given our family over the years.” (Positive)

2. “But I feel bad when Amy receives gifts and Walter does not.” (Feelings)

3. “I want both my children to be treated as if they matter equally to you.” (Values)

4. “You are an important person in our family’s life.” (Positive)

5. “I look forward to seeing you over the holidays.” (Invite further connection)

Katie didn’t hear anything about her card from her mother in law, but during her next visit, she brought lovely gifts for both children and the problem went away. Katie was glad she expressed her feelings and nipped the problem without major contention.

What if the offending party wants to give you criticism?

Dr. Lerner suggests the following points:

Recognize your defensiveness. Don’t have the conversation until you have a peaceful heart and are willing to listen.
Breathe, do what you can to calm yourself and take in new information. Take slow deep breaths.
Listen only to understand. Listen to see what you can agree with. Do not interrupt, argue or correct facts or bring up your own criticisms or complaints. If your points are legitimate, save them for another conversation.
Ask questions about what you don’t understand clearly. As for examples, from curiosity perspective not as a lawyer defending a case.
Find something you can agree with. If you can’t find commonality, thank the person for their openness and let them know you will be thinking about what they have told you.
Apologize for your part. Shift the perspective to being a collaborator not a combatant. Stay deeply curious about the hurt person’s perspective and don’t worry about defending your own.Save your thoughts about their part until later.
Let the offending party know they have been heard and you will continue to think about the conversation. Take time to genuinely consider their side of the conversation.
Thank the critical person for sharing their feelings. “I know this couldn’t have been easy, I appreciate you telling me this.”
Take the initiative to bring up the conversation again, “I am glad we had that talk, I was wondering if there was more you haven’t told me.”
Draw at the line at insults. “I want to hear what is bothering you I need you to approach me with respect.”
Define your differences. You eventually need to tell the critical person where you see it differently rather than be an overly- accommodating-peace-at-any-price-person. You may need to hear the sound of your own voice saying what you see differently but timing is critical so consider saving the conversation for a future conversation when you have the best chance of being hear.

We all struggle when people hurt our feelings. Follow these suggestions when you want to keep the friendship and speak up for your feelings. If someone doesn’t respond to your letter, you might want to check out Dr. Lerner’s book, “Why Won’t You Apologize?’ or consider letting the friendship go.