During the 9/11 Terrorist’s attacks, Howard Lutnick was the CEO of Cantor Fitzgerald. When the Twin Towers collapsed, he lost his brother, his best friend and 658 of his employees. During those first tragic years, Lutnick desperately wanted to keep the company a float so he could pay the victim’s families death benefits. Amazingly, he was able to succeed. Commenting on how he maintained his composure and mental focus during the ordeal he said:
“We always thought we would fall apart at some point. I’d tell people it was like surfing in front of a very large wave and as long as I kept going forward as fast I possible could, the wave would never get me. But if I ever stopped, and took a moment to look back…. whoosh, the wave would crash over me, and I’d get crushed. But if I kept moving forward the wave would get smaller and smaller, and that’s what happened.” (Fall 2008)
Lutnick offers a great formula for surviving grief. With catastrophic events such as losing close family members or small disappointments like not getting an expected raise in salary the formula is the same.
- Keep going forward, keep ahead of the wave
- Don’t look back
- Believe time reduces the wave
Keep going Forward
When you are in forward motion, you turn to the future or what is happening in the present moment. You have energy and the buoyancy to keep a float ahead of the wave. You don’t have the brain space to ruminate on the past and you keep going. Abraham Lincoln said, “Best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.”
Don’t Look Back
Looking back invites feelings of loss and despair. The Bible says Lot’s wife looked back as they fled Nivea and she was turned into a pillar of salt. (Genesis 19:26). The Hebrew word for “looked back” means more than to glance over one’s shoulder. It means “to regard, to consider, to pay attention to.” If we keep giving the past our attention, we are emotionally frozen. We will not move forward if we are looking backward.
Believe Time Reduces the Wave
Abraham Lincoln said, “Sorrow comes to us all…perfect relief is not possible except with time. You cannot now realize that you will ever feel better and yet you are sure to be happy again. I have had enough experience to know what I say.”
Lincoln wrote this touching sentiment in a letter to a daughter of his long time friend who recently killed. Lincoln appears to be recalling his own grief as a 9 year-old child when his mother passed away and even more painful the recent death of his 11 year-old son Willie. Despite his personal grief, he believed that through the passage of time you could be happy again.
Lunick’s three-step formula is a proven plan through many situations and cultures. UN workers helped Cambodian women survivors of the Killing Fields learn new skills and adapt to a new life.
People have more resilience than they know. We can carry on and stay ahead of the wave. Believe and “you are sure to feel better again.”
CAMILLE FOSTER, LCSW
Other helpful links on this subject:
Change is Backward And Forward
Endurance: How To Survive And Thrive
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(Inspired from my notes from Bill O Hanlon’s lecture, Erickson Convention 12/17)
