WHY MANY SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE ARE JERKS
With the recent accusations of New York’s governor Cuomo, the impeachment investigation of Trump, and shocking behavior at the Capitol insurrection, we are once again stunned with headlines announcing misbehavior from a famous member of society. Why do prominent people destroy their reputation with unkind anti-social behavior?
Columnist Christian Sagers, writes, “I’ve heard tales of U.S. senators berating junior staff members to the point of tears for handing them the wrong printout. Steve Jobs was known to throw tantrums in front of his engineers. Ellen DeGeneres, effervescent on camera, has faced allegations of aiding a “toxic work environment” on set.” These examples are by no means the end of the list.
Through the years we see constant examples of well known celebrities and politicians behaving badly. The Me-Too movement was organized to call out such acts but many abusers are under the radar because of their powerful positions. Why are our leaders often jerks?
Are the well-publicized peccadillos the result of a rare rash act? Or upon closer examination would we likely find a pattern of flawed thinking that eventually leads to their decline?
What leads to anti social behavior? In the 1960’s researchers looked at thinking patterns widespread in the criminal population. Among inmates they found a common core of beliefs, or thinking errors, which eventually lead to misconduct. There are a dozen or so “thinking errors” but one frequently found in individuals in high profile cases is termed uniqueness or entitlement; they believe they are one of a kind. They are very special and rules don’t apply to them. They are entitled to special privileges and societal norms don’t apply to them.
Less sophisticated followers of entitlement or uniqueness, lie, steal and fight often. The justice system quickly notices anti social behavior and they are often jailed as juveniles. Thinking errors aren’t just found in prisons. A more privileged version of this faulty belief is often off the societal radar screen because the individual does appear special to us. They appear extra ordinarily intelligent, attractive, or athletic. Social norms still apply to them but somehow they slide by on their charm. Until eventually behaviors such as embezzlement, marital affairs, prescription fraud, or bullying are made public and they fall from grace.
We are shocked by their demise but a close examination will reveal a life long belief in their uniqueness or entitlement and general disregard of the harm of their behavior.It
Those infractions may seem small but at the core is a belief that you don’t have to follow rules which are set up for everyone’s best interest.
What can be done?
First it begins in childhood. Appropriate parenting can influence character formation. Parents, allow your children the consequences of their behaviors. They aren’t special; sometimes they deserve failing grades, aren’t safe at home base or make bad choices. Early childhood accountability builds good citizens. Dr. Jane Nelsen, author of the best selling book, Positive Discipline says, “Over-involved parenting leads to demanding entitled children who expect undue services.” Dr. Nelson recommends parents allow children to develop their “disappointment muscles” and experience failure and frustration.
Second, you can be the change you wish to see in the world. If you are tempted to speed down the highway, under report taxable income, ignore your parking ticket, neglect to pay library fines, or park in a handicap zone—- don’t kid yourself, your actions may harm others and are against the rules of society.
As recent news accounts describe, repetitive self-serving behavior eventually has consequences and kindness does win in the long run. According to Sagers, “It’s not true that “nice guys finish last”. Leaders who practice kindness are more likely to perform better in their work, writes social scientist Arthur Brooks, and most people say they would prefer a nice boss over a 10% pay increase. Plus, says Brooks, practicing kindness directly increases one’s own happiness. The conclusion is leaders can’t afford not to be nice.” Now more than ever, our society needs to reinforce this truth.
Camille Curtis Foster, LCSW
Provo Counseling Center
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